Rant...

Hey! So right now it's 4:50 in the morning here in Maryland and I haven't been able to sleep because I've been thinking about a lot of things. 
First of all, my birthday is in 2 days and I've been really busy and excited about that!
And secondly, I've been on Twitter and Facebook all night long and I've seen posts about people saying that they wished that there mom or dad was dead.
Now as you guys know that is a really sore subject for me since I lost my mother 6 years ago due to a stroke. 
One thing that I have to say is that why would you wish death on someone? Especially your parents...
I miss my mother every day...I lost my mother when I was 11 years old and I live my life every single day missing my mother and wishing that she was still here. 
I had to sit back and watch my mother live another day closer to death in that nursing home. She fought so hard for 4 years being trapped in that nursing home...and being paralyzed on the right side..and not being able to talk. 
I had to sit back and watch my mom have mini strokes...and watch her have seizures.
I ended up leaving the nursing home and never going back because I got so scared and I didn't wanna see her like that.
And a week after that she died...
Now part of me feels like it's my fault that she died. I was her partner. I would lay in bed with her every day after school and watch Nickelodeon with her and eat Burger King with her and be happy and talk about my day with her even though she couldn't talk back. Atleast I knew that I still had a mother there and atleast I knew she was listening. 
And then I stopped going and I feel like I broke her heart. My dad tells me that she understood but I kept a promise to her that I would visit every day until she got better. But I broke that promise. And she died.
It's 6 years later now and I'm almost 17 years old. I think about my mother every single second of every day and I cry my eyes out because I miss her so much.
My mother never got to see me get promoted from elementary school...she never got to see me get promoted from middle school...and now she won't be able to be there for my 17th birthday party, she won't be able to be there for my wedding..or for the birth of my kids. 
I hear a lot of stories from my dad and from the rest of my family that my mom was a badass...she stood up for herself, she worked hard, she took care of me and my siblings. 
My dad always tells me how when my brother was when high school that he used to skip school and get suspended all the time. And my mother one time drove him to school and walked him to all his classes and sat down beside him all day long and then my brothers Senior Year he got honor roll and perfect attendance because my mom scared him into doing great in school.
And now look at me...I'm a high school dropout...I'm 16 years old and I only have my dad.
I feel like I'm such a disappointment to my mother because I feel like I let her down and I said I had all these high hopes and that I was gonna make a career for myself. And that I was gonna graduate high school and become a professional wrestler. 
Well look at me now...I can't start training for wrestling because I don't have any money. I can't buy wrestling boots...I can't get a simple gym membership...and I'm stuck at home all day long because I have no friends around here. The only thing I have here that makes me wake up in the morning is my family, my best friend Shelby and Cimorelli.
You guys know my obsession with Cimorelli. They are my most favorite band ever. They are the ones who make me fight every day. There songs are so inspirational and every time I listen to them I cry my eyes out thinking of all the problems I'm going through right now. The Cimorelli girls are part of the reason why I'm still alive today. If it wasn't for them I would probably be dead right now. They give me hope that someday something good will happen to me. They inspire me to do my best. And without them I would just be nothing. They make me feel like I'm worth it. Even though I don't know them physically. In my mind they are my bestest friends...I wish I could meet them someday but like I said I have no money and trust me if I could I would go to one of there concerts. But maybe someday. And when that someday comes I will cry my eyes out thanking them for everything they have done for me. If the Cimorelli girls are reading this I just wanna say thank you so much for everything you do. I have been your fan ever since 2011. You girls make me smile with every video you upload. You girls have been my rock through all these hard times. I have lost my mother, my house caught on fire, I almost lost my dad and my brother. But you girls gave me hope that everything will be alright. I hope that someday everything will turn out the way I want it to. Thank you guys for being my role models.

Christina, thank you for showing me that I can be a leader and that I don't have to listen to what people think about me or tell other people.

Katherine, thank you for your inspirational poems and quotes and just everything. You are a true poet and I read your poems everyday and they get me through some hard times so keep writing.

Lisa, thank you for getting me through all these hard times. I've seen all the stuff you write on your Tumblr page and I know what you go through. I feel depressed a lot from time to time and you taught me that no matter what I'm never alone.

Amy, thank you for teaching me the power that you have. You have so much power and so much strength and I love you for that. You teach me to be brave.

Lauren, thank you so much for helping me bring out my inner me. Me and you are a lot alike. We are both shy but outspoken. I've been shy my whole life and people make fun of me because I don't talk that much. Thank you for teaching me that I have a voice and that I need to use it.

Dani, thank you for teaching me that I shouldn't hate my voice. I understand the type of things people say to you because of how low your voice is. My voice sounds like I'm a 12 year old. I'm 17. So I know how bad it hurts being made fun of because of your voice. Thank you.

Look all I'm saying is to love your parents and never wish that they were dead because some day you will regret it. Don't become a disgrace to your family name like me. And don't become a disappointment like me.